Behind Every Host

And were out for five!

I can't tell you what a joy it is to hear those words. Frankly, I should be thrilled to be where I am. Daytime talk shows are the 'in' place, they are dancing and joking and asking stupid questions. They are easy and a steady paycheck I might add.

And yet I'm still not interested in this day-to-day grind.

I fondly remember my sitcom days. The Fellen Degeneres show. How I played that escaped convict to a tee, goofy, but with heart. No one even batted an eyelash at the idea that I should own a book store, or be in love with my fellow escapee Page (played brilliantly by Lola Fischer). It seemed to work wonderfully, until I actually came out...and admitted that I was really an escaped convict. Then the FBI got involved, and the tabloids. I still have that issue of TIME magazine with -- Yep, I'm Guilty-- on the cover.

It took years to clear my name, and several weak stand-up routines in which I poked fun at my debacle by dancing on stage in a orange track suit, while several large women named Marg slapped my ass. At the time it was a hard life, a lonely life (even my relationship with Anne Heche Plutersmith fell apart). I somehow survived though, and after hosting the Emmy awards, I was back on top. Then came my next stab at sitcom life. Ellen Does It Right Show.

It was completely wrong though. Casting was horrible. My mother was played by Cloris Leaches, and my father was none other then Perry Sienfield Plutersmith – Lola's brother). We were cancelled after three episodes. And that was kind.

Anyway, I digress. Frankly, landing a gig on daytime seemed to be the perfect marriage of my need to get a laugh, and the industries need to put me somewhere with an audience...a sober audience.

And thus, through much dance and a few DJs later, I became the hit of the talk show circuit.

So, you would think I would be thrilled. The Fellen's and Friends Talk Show, gave me every opportunity to be liked...even loved by the public. I got a chance to interview Patrick Stewart about his sister Martha's time in jail (which I found hit so close to home). And, I saved a puppy from a nasty pound...oh, wait...that didn't turn out well did it?

Anyway, I should be happy. I've got a new babe, Porche De Flossy (she's Swedish) and a fantastic house on Mull-holla Drive, and several million in the bank. None of this satisfies me, though, because every night as I look in the mirror at myself, I still see the woman who would rather rob a bank then talk to Britney freakin' Pikes.

I would rather rob a bank...with guns and masks and tight black leotards, then do this crap talk show day in and day out.

But this, ironically, is the card I've been dealt.

We're back in five four three two one.

Que Applause.