Lunch with a Troll

She is sitting there so demure and fully clothed that you would never guess she was on the cover of every tabloid all summer last year - half-naked and drugged out of her gourd. Her eyes are clear, her make-up understated, and instead of a beer or ciggarettes, she's drinking sparkling water with a wedge of lime and I can just see the hint of a patch on her shoulder. I'd wager good money its a nicotine-quitting device.

Ugh. Such drivel. I've been informed (repeatedly) by her publicist that this is supposed to be a piece giving her good publicity and there is a laundry list a mile long of topics I cannot broach with the little troll.

"So Honey," I ask her and she bats those thick black lashes at me,"How has it been, working on this new film with Ang Fay?" And she smiles, wetting her lips and pausing for a dramatic moment before replying. "Oh its fantastic, Ang is truly such a talented director! There's no one like him in Hollywood - he cares about the craft, about the Art. Not just about the money."

Oh God. Its going to be one of those interviews. The newly reformed starlet thinks one good role in an actual 'film' (not just a "movie") is going to propel her into the stratosphere, earn her an Oscar, and make us all forget about the famous series of photos her ex-bodyguard published. You know, the ones that involved, her, a banana, two friendly acquaintences and revealed to America that she doesn't believe in panties or fucking on the first date.

I ask her if she feels that this film has stretched her as an actress and unexpectedly, she breaks into tears. "Playing Sadie in this film...I was transformed, truly. Ang was able to help guide me into a higher level of acting. I want people to know that I respect the craft and that I've come so far. This role is different than anything I've ever done, not just because she's a brunette, but because Sadie is such a complex, incredible character and I had to really alter myself at a basic level to reflect her nature. Its been a life-changing experience. I had to really delve deep into myself and dredge up all kinds of hidden motivations and memories to fuel my portrayal. Its just... it was beautiful."

Its a good thing our food hasn't arrived yet, because I know I'd have vomited my cucumber salad and choco-tini all over this fake blond, fake tan, fake boob-bimbette. Note to self : you should have taken the small-town reporter gig. Writing about tipped cows and redneck crimewaves can't be any worse than this shit.