Anything Goes

"Praise you Jesus!"

Her crimson smile radiated sincerity as she threw up her hand in front of her face, praising her new found religious awakening. I provided a moment to relax back into the conversation, and she resisted another joyous proclamation.

"So, life is better for you now that you've completed the Pauly Shore For the Lord program?"

She nods enthusiastically. "I haven't felt this good since I won my first Oscar."

I resist the temptation to point out that her Oscar was reclaimed after her recent drug bust. Instead I found another direction for our interview to travel. "Your kids are finally back in your life?"

Again she nods. "Praise you Jesus! Little Willy Cruz, Selania, Balad, Le'thesia, Stick, Spot and their sister Jamacia are finally back. This time it's for good. No more late night Child Services visits, not anymore."

"So, you are sure this is the last time that you will be on the wrong side of the fence, so to speak?"

"Barbra, let me tell you how it is. I was lost, but I was found by His Holy Spirit. I took the train bound for Crackville, but the Lord derailed me in the town of Salvation."

I smiled and try desperately to hold back a small laugh. "What about the prostitution? I've heard it's terribly difficult to break the habit of walking the streets at night."

Her long brown hair falls over her shoulders as she shakes her head. "I won't be selling myself ever again. I took a long look at myself while taking the program, and I saw a skank hooked on the junk, selling herself for a hot dog and charm bracelet. That wasn't who I wanted to be, and that's not who I am."

"Who are you then? Who's the real Katie Cruz?"

"A talented actress," came the quick response. "A devoted mother and disciple of Christ."

"So you are telling me that none of the last seventeen years will creep back upon you?"

"No," she strikes back. "Absolutely not! I am a wife of the Almighty now, a concubine of the Heavens."

"Really?" I can't help the tone of sarcasm.

She eyes me shrewdly, but it comes across as confusion. "Honestly, Barbra Malters, the program changed my whole way of thinking. I am valuable." She pauses for a moment and looks around. "Is it okay to smoke in here?"

I shake my head. She looks slightly annoyed. I let it pass.

"What about your husband? Isn't he against this new religious path? We all know how much he enjoys his own faith."

"He can suck it! I'm through with him!"

I can't help a moment of shock. "Are you saying that you are no longer with Tom?"

She nods. "After he brainwashed me, and pimped me out to his other Scientology pals I just couldn't go back to him. All of my problems stem from marrying that bastard."

"Are you saying that he was whoring you out?"

"Uh yeah. And he made me not wear panties when I got out of cars, and hit parked cars with umbrellas."

"That's hard to believe."

"Barbra, are you going to believe someone who jumps on couches and makes silly youtube movies or me?"

"Katie this isn't about what I believe. This is about your comeback."

She nods quickly. "You are right." Another pause. "Are you sure you can't smoke?"

"Yes."

She sniffs suspiciously.

"Are you alright?"

"Uh yeah," she response.

"So, what's your next move now that you are reformed?"

Her eyes shift nervously. "I think I've said too much. I shouldn't of mentioned him. Don't you feel it?"

I shake my head. "I don't know what you are talking about."

She sniffs again. "Don't tell me you can't feel that? It's like eyes on me all the time. Oh Jesus!" She lifts her hands and starts to pray. Suddenly her eyes look directly at me. "No Barbara! You are one of them!"

"One of who?" I respond, immediately realizing that this interview was winding into dangerous territory.

"He's already gotten to you! Oh Dear Lord save me." She starts to sway back and forth in her chair.

"Calm down Katie. I don't know what you are talking about."

Suddenly she launches herself at me, and we both go down in a pile of silk pillows and sparkly evening wear. In an attempt to push her off of me, I grabbed her hair and it comes off in my hand. A wig?

"Security!" I scream.

"You are one of them!" Katie continues to scream. "One of them!"

Two large men pull the former Mrs. Cruz off of me and haul her away kicking and yelling. "Save me Jesus. Save me from them all!"

After composing myself, I nod to the camera man. "Did you get all of that?" He nods. "Good," I respond. "That should take care of that problem."

My cellphone comes out and I immediately dial. "It's done."

"Very good," comes the menicing response from the other end of the phone. "That's one less bitch I have to deal with. Now commence with phase two."

"Yes, Master Tom."




Hey, it's show-business. Anything goes.