Changes in Fame -- A loose story of my life.

My name is Sally Struethers, and I use to be a big star. Now, I'm writing this blog in order to warn those that try to pursue the lofty heights of fame, what happened to me, and what awaits them at the top.

Yes, that was me acting alongside the infamous Archie Bunkner. Seven glorious years of All In The Family, and a family we were. It was the hey-day of television viewing. The young and old alike use to gather around the glow and sing my praises. I wore fur coats (before fur was a crime) and I had a body to die for. I once heard that men use to take my glossy 5 by 7s into the bathroom with them, but I always wondered why that was. I was naive too. Naivety that got me in trouble.

The industry wanted to capitalize on my fame. They offered me roles on all sorts of sitcoms. Charlies Angels -- Dressed to Kill, Leave it in my Beaver, and Three is Company --so join us. Those were just a few. Although, I turned down most of what was offered to me, I did manage to eek out a few memorable made-for-tv movies. The most popular was; When I Sleep With Murder, I Wake Up Dead. It was a masterpiece in my opinion, but that was because I also directed it.

But those days passed quickly, and I found myself out of work and desperately looking for something to put me back on top. A friend of mine mentioned that I might look into Charity work. Africa was front and center in the news, and I quickly boarded a plane to Ethiopia to join the famine cause.

It was heart-breaking work, but utterly fulfilling. However, I acquired a terrible habit when I was there on the front lines. The desperation that I had carried with me from the states played out on the dinner table. I was originally 85 pounds when I got on the plane bound for Africa (and that was before too thin was in style). I was told that in order to appeal to the audience sending donations to the starving children, I had to look like I wasn't the one starving. It seemed that I was stealing the spotlight away from the tragedy. People were actually sending food donations to me, and that wasn't what the charities wanted. So I started to eat. And Eat. And Eat.

I ballooned to a healthy 450 pounds, and was quickly fired for eating most of the donations sent to the starving children. In my defense, however, most of what was sent over was far too rich for the children to digest in their bloated little tummies. I merely didn't see why anything should go to waste. My bosses, it seems, thought otherwise. I was out of work again. And to add insult to injury, I had to be hoisted onto a cargo plane to get home, because I was too large for the passengers seats.

I made it back, however, and set to losing the weight. I tried all the fad-diets and failed at each one. I was on Weight Watchers, but failed to watch any weight fall off. No one told me that you weren't suppose to eat all the food at once, and then speed through the McDonald's drive up window for a night cap. Three Cheeseburger are only five points...times five...times a milkshake and large fries...divided by uh a case of apple turnovers...well, I failed, that's what I mainly wanted to say.

So, I finally succumbed to gastric-bypass surgery (years before Caral Wilson showed it all over the Internet). The weight just melted off. And I was back in business.

I started exotic dancing at a club down the street from my house. It was like the fame-bug bit me all over again (well, it could of been one of our regulars who bit me, but the fame part still stuck...well, it was sticky whatever it was...but I digress). I was popular again. And people came to see me from all over the Tri-State area.

Eventually that role lead to more promising parts in tasteful adult movies. Let's see, there was Dude Where's my Finger...Forest Crotch (one of my favorites, because the special effects had me in the Vietnam War naked!)...and there was Lord of My Crotch...and Brokeback on my Mountains...and Sally and Michelle's High School Reunion (that was gang-bang extravaganza)...and Aliens Vs Predators In my Crotch (I got to play an alien, that was fun)...and of course the one movie that nabbed me the AFA (adult film award) for best period piece...drum roll please....Crotch and Prejudice!

Again, I digress, but that was a thrilling time in my life. However, that too passed when I started to get too old for the industry.

So, I went under the knife and regained my youth, but in the process I turned myself into a completely different person. With a new face, I had to find something that I could do to put myself back in the spotlight. So, with much thought, a nifty shawl that I got from a fan, I started to dive into the world of crafts and delicate embroidered dollies.

So, basically what I'm trying to say to all of you who hope that your fifteen minutes will come, is be careful what you wish for. You may end up trying to reinvent yourself a thousand times over just to keep your time from running out.

I think the doorbell just rang.

Has it already been 30 minutes? Wow, I guess Dominos is on time. No freebies for me. But then they wouldn't just give ten pizzas to me anyway. Hey, a girl's gotta eat. And there aren't any starving children in this neighborhood...or at least in my apartment.

Anyway, look for me in the new line up of shows this fall. Even though you haven't heard of me yet, my new image is sure to please.

Just Tivo Martha Stewart.

Isn't that a great name? No more Sally, just Martha. A world of possibilites are open to me. And I intend to explore each one.

Is that pepperoni I smell? Gotta go!