Delusional

"Pfft, whatever! Like, I know people are jealous and stuff, but like, I don't know why they are always lying about me and stuff," she says haughtily, flipping her short, brittle blond hair and rolling those famous bi-colored eyes.

"What do you mean they lie about you, Kelly?"

Kelly Bozwich, a minor celebrity and gossip-rag favorite target, just stared across the table at me. Her pouty lips agape, the unusual coloring of her eyes hard to see because her pupils were so wide.

"Well like, you know, they all print pictures of me - that are totally doctored - like, on a computer - and say all these terrible things about like, how I'm anorexic or bulemic or tanorexic or too skinny. And I'm like, whatever, I am beautiful bitches!"

Kelly is referring specifically to a story we ran just three weeks ago in which the headline read: Anorexic? Bulemic? How Hollywood Starlets get Scary Skinny. Frankly, I think she should be glad to be in print period, its not like her career is going anywhere. Or her love life.

"I have to change my whole life around so like, the photogs can have proof that I do eat. You know? I mean, this is totally off-the-record, right? Girl-to-girl?"

I just smile at her, disarming her with my Midwestern innocent charm. Works everytime on these spoiled Hollywood types. Her publicist asked me to print all the sordid details, a rare request but one I am happy to fulfill. This tell-all will be the cherry on top of my portfolio. No more third-rack gossip mag for me, I'm going straight to the top! People, Us, OK! - I'm coming for ya.

"So, it takes a lot of work to get this body. I work out like, thirty minutes every day, seven whole days a week, you know? I eat a whole lemon in my morning tea - well, some in the tea and some I just suck on. I heard it helps keep your lips puffy and puckered. I swear, like, it really works too. Reneé Wallzeiger swears by it and she's got the biggest sourpuss in Hollywood!"

It really does take all my willpower to bite back mirth at that little snipe, but I truly think she meant it as a compliment. My humor is quickly quelled, however, as she gets into the nitty-gritty of her daily routine.

"Anyway, like I was saying. I get up early, like eight a.m. and do my thirty minute of yoga. Sometimes I fall asleep though, its just like, so relaxing. And then, like, I have breakfast tea and my lemon. No sugar though, sugar is like, so bad for you! Hmm. I usually do stuff in the daytime, like shop or read or wait for my agent to find me a job, and then I go out in the afternoon. No, I never eat anything during the day. Ugh, makes me so bloated!"

Try as I might, I cannot imagine this 5'8" waif being bloated. But I suppose at 97.5 pounds, she would notice any little bulge. Its got no where to hide, afterall.

"I totally make sure that I eat dinner at somewhere famous though - like the Ivy or Masuharu's sushi. I have to get photographed eating a big meal at least twice a week or they start printing stories about me being too thin. Like, I'm not like Callista Hartflock was back in the Ally McVeal days. Ew! Or Marie-Kay and Ashleigh Oldson. With all their bones sticking out and stuff. So gross! I'm just about the perfect weight right now. These last few pounds are really hard to lose, but I'm almost right. Don't you think so?"

Delusional is the word that springs to mind, but I cannot tell her that. She is skeletal, at least as scarily so as the women she mentioned in her tirade. When the interview is over and she stands up to leave, its all I can do not to cry for her. How does she function? How do those toothpick legs support her at all? How can she not see the razor-sharp clavicle, the shoulder bones protruding, the fact that I could count her ribs through her shirt and I can see her vertebrae as she walks away?

As soon as she's gone, I order a plate of double-cheese lasagne and two slices of cheesecake and eat them for her. I almost feel badly enough for the kid that I won't write this snarky tell-all.

Almost.