The Heiress & Her Faith

Framed by a bar at the bottom of the screen that reads, "London Redlion: Star of The Rustic Life, recording artist, handbag designer", the young woman with her dyed blonde hair and blue contacts hiding her natural brown eyes sits before a bright white background with a single red loop of string off-center.

"Gosh, I hate interviews! But they're so necessary - so that all my wonderful fans get to hear the truth and the realness right from my own lips.

"You know, its so hard to be really real and honest when the media is always watching and like, scrutinizing every pound and every word, but like, I want to share the really real 'me' with the world. I mean, that's why I'm an actress and singer and model and you know, a triple-threat and stuff.

"So that's why I'm here today - you know, to share the really real me and like, totally more importantly - to share the Message. Right, with a capital M - the Message.

"You see this little red string, right? Its like the most important fashion accessory you'll ever need. Because its a symbol and stuff, about faith and the truth and about love and you know, everything. I know you've like seen other people wearing them and bringing this like, ancient Message to the forefront. Its like all the good parts of being a Jew - except the whole holocaustical thing, ugh - and all the mysticalness of magic.

"No body really knows what the truth is, okay - that's why you have to buy the books and the string and study. We all gotta figure this stuff out. So, I'm here with Kabbucksala International, right? And if you call now, for just three simple, easy payments of $39.95, you too can like, hear the Message. And if you call 1-888-RED-ROPE, that's 1-888-733-7673. So call now and we'll even give you a free gift!"

Editor's Note: London Redlion's endorsement of Kabbucksala and her informercial, spelled the downfall of the celebrity and pop culture's shallow fascination with an ancient religion. Pretty much like everything else she ever touched, it died. Except the crabs, of course, because they just won't go away. Ever.